Teaching my kids to be kind...by sharing my own shameful mean girl truth

My 4th grader experienced her first growing pains this school year, and it was so tough to watch. In fact—I didn't watch; I was vested. I felt terrible for her and was anxious like I was her. It forced me to revisit a painful lesson, one that I would sit my girls down and shamefully share.

My daughter was hurt, and I was hurt for her. She's usually a pacifier and people-pleaser (which I'm actively working on), but her hurt was different this time. She was sad, angry, and I could tell wanted revenge. I told her it was okay to be hurt and it was okay to take space, but it wasn't okay to treat someone poorly or be intentionally mean.

I wanted to show my girls why it was so important to treat others the way you wish to be treated so I sat them down and told them my biggest kept secret.

I was nine years old, and one of my dear friends invited me to her house for a sleepover. She lived with her mom, an older sister, and a twin brother in a one-bedroom apartment. I remember being aware that this was likely all her mother could afford, but what I really remember was playing Clue, UNO, and other game classics all night. What her mother could afford had no merit on how much fun I had that night.

And yet what I did next, felt unforgivable. I wanted to be friends with this one "mean girl" in our class. As an adult, I realized I only wanted to be friends with her because she was ultimately a bully, and I was hoping her friendship would keep me safe. So when she asked me about how bad the sleepover was (likely because she was envious), I told her they all shared a one-bedroom apartment. And of course, this girl told everyone and laughed at my "friend's" face.

I air-quote friend's because I was anything but a friend at that moment. I was unkind and downright shitty.

It's cringe-worthy—still, 30 years later and one of my biggest regrets, which is precisely why I told my girls.

My daughters were ready to nail me to the cross. They were disappointed and couldn't understand why I would do such a thing. I told them I still asked myself the same question all the time.

My oldest wants me to find my old friend and apologize, and even though I hate Facebook, I'm going to try it find her. She also wants me to tell my parents, lol.

Whenever I feel the urge to be a shitty human being I try to ask myself, "Will I carry the guilt tomorrow?" And for me, it will never be worth finding out.

My need to fit in and be accepted had me using leverage from a dear friend for a fake friend.

But I told them my story because I made this dreadful mistake when I was their age. I've carried the shame, guilt, and embarrassment for three decades and I never want them to carry that load.

I pray for conscious compassion to be kind even in the face of unkindness. I pray for the strength, cause people will still try my reserve nerve. And I pray that my kids learn from my transgressions and be kind human beings.

Mantras to Learn By:

Kind people are my kind of people.

It cost nothing to be kind.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.