I’m sick of this sh*t

After two years of being poked and prodded, I finally had a diagnosis—nothing. That's right! For two years, I underwent a series of tests, procedures, rounds of blood work, and even had microscopic cameras up nearly every crevice of my body, only to be told there's nothing wrong with me.

It's January 2020. After almost seven days of being bed-ridden, I find myself alone in the ER. The doctor couldn't tell me why I had such immense abdominal pain, but she did tell me I was severely anemic. Never in my life had I been anemic, even after four years of being a vegan. Why now? What happened? What changed?

I went to see my internist, who I hadn't seen in almost two years. When she ran my bloodwork, she was puzzled as well. Even more alarming, my red blood cells were still dropping and dramatically. She told me I'd need a blood transfusion if my levels didn't elevate within the week.

Fearing a blood transfusion, I was desperate for a quick remedy and tried every old wives tale in the book. I even bought and prepared liver, which I could barely stomach. I was proud to have gotten four bites down before my gag reflexes kicked in.

Eating meat wasn't an option but was one of the quickest ways to raise my blood levels. So I ordered spleen supplements from New Zealand. The spleen has a more significant amount of iron than liver. And it sure beats trying to force myself to eat meat. After speaking with my doctor, she told me I could double the dose for a week to see if it elevated my levels.

I started drinking liquid iron and ate iron-rich foods like mangos, spinach, beans, beets, and more. I found upfulblends on Instagram and started using her "Food For Blood" tea blend to help detox and purify my blood. I might not have a lot of blood, but what I did have was clean!

After a week, my red blood count rose enough not to need a transfusion but not enough to be cleared. My internist ordered follow-ups with gastroenterologists and gynecologists to rule out colon and reproductive cancers.

But by then, it's the first week of March 2020, and we know what happened next—all of my appointments were canceled, and the world was officially on lockdown.

It would take another six months before my colonoscopy would be re-scheduled.

However, I did make it to the gyno during this time, who put me on a high-dose IUD to slow and hopefully stop my heavy periods, which may have been the cause of the anemia.

I've since had the IUD removed for many reasons, but that deserves a dedicated blog post to unpack it all.

Almost two years later, I've had a colonoscopy (prep was awful, but I'll spare you the details), the actual procedure was painless and straightforward. Luckily. I won't need another one for ten years (thank God). I had a biopsy of my uterus and plenty of bloodwork and tests only to get a clean bill of health—fabulous, right, not exactly.

Though I was relieved to know I was healthy, I couldn't help but think that if nothing's wrong with me physically, there must have been something wrong with me mentally, emotionally, or both.

So I sat with myself and evaluated the previous two years of my life. Luckily, I keep pretty thorough journals, so I poured through them to understand where my head and heart were during this time and made some rather startling discoveries.

I was making great choices regarding diet, but that was about it. Though I felt good at the time, my other choices were cutting off my very life source; my blood. For decades, I was carrying pain that could have killed me.

The wrong choices I was making were coming from a place of pain and avoidance. By refusing to do the inner work, I ended up in multiple medical facilities with IVs running through my veins.

Sick of being a lab rap, I decided I would start making lifestyle changes to see if it had any effect on my physical health.

I got serious about working out; I always "looked" in shape without doing the actual work. I didn't consider that working out wasn't just for bikini season but more for heart health, which proved vital in the pandemic. I started exercising at least four times a week. I found that a vigorous bike ride around town, not only was I getting in shape, but I was releasing stress and tension. As soon as my workday ended, I was off on the bike. My mood was elevated, and I felt and looked better.

One morning I remember waking up with butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the day to come. At that moment, I realized what I identified as stress wasn't stress at all. It was anxiety, and when I worked out the previous day, my anxious thoughts subsided. Working out was great for my heart, but my mind seemed to enjoy it just as much.

I started journaling every day and eventually designed my own journal to support intentional healthy habits. I devoted at least five minutes, but usually more, each day for quiet introspection. I was awakening to who I was and what I wanted out of life. I was re-evaluating my values.

Time alone has never been so therapeutic. I wake up extra early to beat the kids and sit in my "DIY" alter in the corner of my room to reflect. I sit alone with my thoughts, sometimes asking questions and waiting for the guided answers. Other times, I may listen to a guided meditation or free-write. I took up tarot and spirit card decks and loved the direction I received. Alone time feels so good now I become impatient and irritable without it.

Who would have thought, the girl that loved to be social, who loved to go out and be with friends, now longed to be alone? I looked forward to time on my yoga cushion with a candle flickering in the background, Tibetan prayer clothes hanging from above, and my favorite crystals aligning the window ceil to catch the full moon glow.

I started prioritizing sleep. I set my phone to "do not disturb" at 9 pm. Instead of binge-watching TV, I started reading before bed and woke up refreshed and ready to start the day.

I found that waking in the morning; I was at peace. My mind wasn't running a mile-a-minute with to-do's, and I started REALLY enjoying my day. My confidence, clarity, and consistency improved as I did the inner work to heal. My personal and professional life was also on the uptick. Work felt more manageable and less taxing, and my relationships improved.

As I got my honest with myself, the world got more frank with me. Relationships that didn't match my higher vibration slipped away, work that didn't fit my values disappeared without asking. I made new friends who understood my self-discovery and awakening and helped usher it in.

We recently met in the local park with our yoga mats, singing bowls, crystals, and incense, which must have looked like a scene from the movie "The Craft," now that I think about it. Here we were being "witchy" in plain sight, and I could care less who saw because it felt so soul-fulfilling.

But most interestingly, my intuition and connection to source energy grew more substantial. My days felt controllable, and my life had never been happier. I felt more connected to my spirit and more sure of myself. I felt supported and guided in every decision I made and no longer struggled with indecisiveness.

Come to think of it, getting sick was the best thing that could have happened for me and to me.